depression made me psychotically self conscious to the point where taking my shirt off in front of someone is absolutely terrifying. i think that is also why my sex drive is basically gone. and the fact that i look repulsive makes me feel worthless and drives me to want to be punished and feel pain for it, probably as a means of relief, which is why most of my recent sex fantasies have involved blood, cuts, pain and torture. it’s kind of strange how i go all faux freud on my things pretending i know it all (i think i actually do though) but can’t solve any of it
summer makes me sadder.
it’s not because i have particularly bad memories from past summers.
it’s just that the flames of hell literally rain down upon us during summer here in brazil and it pisses me off.
and i don’t even have a hot body to show.
last night i had a kind of sad dream where i met this stunningly beautiful guy and we were into each other but i never managed to kiss him. we met while out with my high school friends and i was being stalked by the same girl who stalked me back then. i hope i get to meet him someday.
i always mean what i say but lately i am having a very hard time saying what i mean. things sound and come across completely different than what i had in my mind. so i stay quiet and things stack up inside me and i can’t let them out.
i really hate myself and despise my thoughts, my decisions, my body and my soul but i guess i gotta give it to myself for enduring a lot of shit in my family and in school all by myself. sure, i’ve had a few friends, but they fade away while the darkness doesn’t. and i have to deal with it. and i did. and i do. alone. so i guess i can can commend myself on this.