lately i feel like i’ve been cheating myself, my feelings i mean. i barely have any time to think about stuff anymore, it’s like things are happening and i’m on auto pilot and i can’t experience things. i don’t feel particularly happy or sad and it is so strange.
college has been good even though i’m once again faced with great ideas for projects and lack of money, time and even skill to make them real. but i don’t even care anymore, i just want to get rid of stuff it seems. work has been ok even though i’ve been having the dreariest days ever here. i feel like i should be sad or annoyed or something but i’m numb, i’m cheating my feelings.
i only allow myself to do that when i’m happy because when i’m happy i know i’m cheating myself since i am inherently sad and pessimistic but i’m fine with experiencing a different feeling every now and then.
i don’t know what to do ugh this is so pointless